Shipboard Humour - Party Pieces |
A Party was a regular excuse to reduce any boredom on board ( and sometimes for no
reason at all). Some parties started with a couple of fellows having a beer and
spontaneously developed into a "full blown" Party. When a Party did develop everyone was required to "do a turn" and we all had our favourite solo items PLUS some that were ideal for communal efforts. Below are some of my favourites and I hope they ring a bell with some readers. Seeing them again takes me back to crowded, smoky cabins pumping out many decibels into whichever part of the world we happened to be in. |
POEMS ..... these usually surfaced about an hour into a party We also enjoyed improving the poems of Rudyerd Kipling and Robert Service (Eskimo Nell etc.,) which are NOT reproduced here |
SONGS...... this favourite normally came at the peak of the party. |
Another favoured monologue ... or sometimes sung to a tune of the singers choice |
L.O.F.
HUMOUR A TYPICAL MONOLOGUE RENDERED AT " SHIPBOARD PARTIES" ( others include "Albert and the Lion " " ABDUL the BULBUL EMIR" etc.etc.) Quote "This form of service shall be conducted on board tankers of the B.P.Petroleum Company by those authorised by contract, long service, tankeritis, or other afflictions, to succour and support those less fortunate Bretheren, who take it seriously. HYMN Bee Pee our help in cargoes past Our hope in ports to come, Expedite our cargoes fast, And keep us on the run. Despite the straining of our pumps Thy lines shall dwell secure, Sufficient fifty pounds alone Our bonuses secure Stretch out thine hand from Britannic House, And make our strippers strong, Then help us when the pressure falls To pass the buck along. And those who sit aloft with thee Make wise in water tubes, That we may strive unceasingly To carry Bee Pee LUBES. Be with us when our breakers arc And feed pumps go awry, Be with us in The Isle of Grain be with us when we die. And if we serve thee well in life When Gabriel's trumpet sounds, If we heaven's harbour berth forget to turn us round. ******************************** The reading from the Old Testament is taken from the Eleventh chapter of the Book of ENERGUS verses 1 to 23. 1 And Noah said " Let us build an ark, for verily whatever the weather and the wages , we shall find and sail in one. 2 And they builded an ark,and she was one hundred and eighty cubits in length twenty nine cubits in width, and from the bridge to the messroom was a Sabbath day's journey. 3 And Noah said " Let us build engines" 4 And there was one among the Medes, Persians and Panamanians, Babcock son of Wilcox, a wise man who spoke saying "It is written of man that upon his belly he shall crawl and dust he shall eat all the days of his life" Let us build Diesels, that all that is written shall come to pass. 5 And it was so. 6 And Noah said " Who shall feed and sustain us on our travels "and he chose Ham. 7 But there were among them , those murmured exceedingly against Ham saying, "We are not sustained." 8 And Noah said unto Ham,"Get the hence, I shall have no Ham." 9 And it was so, though Coffee, Kipper,and Curry powder were considered equal. 10 And the rain fell for forty-days and forty-nights 11 But on the 30th day there came a man on to Noah saying. See the animals which are fed on Manna from the skies cannot return their droppings and lo, we are already a cubit below our " Winter marks". 12 And Noah said, "Let be, all will be well" 13 But on the thirty fifth day came the man saying "Lo, all the animals save the wildcat continue to make dung and the freeboard is but a span of a man's hand and soon we shall all perish." 14 And Noah said, " Does the wildcat make dung also ?" 15 But the man was wise in the ways of the beasts of the fields and answered saying" Nay, it cannot, thus it is wild." 16 And Noah girded up his loins and went forward, even to the stem. 17 And it was even as the man had said, for the freeboard was but the span of a man's hand. 18 And Noah said, "Let the droppings be laid on to the poop layer upon layer of them let them be laid." 19 And it was so. 20 And Noah said, " Let the elephants be brought." 21 And they were brought even unto the poop. 22 And Noah said, " Let the elephants bow their heads and push, so that all may be cast upon the waters." 23 And it came to pass that thousands of years later, Columbus discovered it. """"""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""" """""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""" The reading from the New Testament is taken from The Epistle of St.Bolt to the Arabians chapter 1 verses 1 to 10. 1 And it came to pass that a certain seaman journeyed unto Falmouth to join his ship. 2 And he came nigh unto Plymouth, and tarried that he might drink wine. 3 And there came unto him a certain woman of those parts saying, " Wither goest thou ?" 4 And he said, " Unto Falmouth, where a certain ship awaits me." 5 And she spoke saying " Are not the women of Plymouth as fair ? Aye fairer than they of Falmouth, tarry awhile, and thou shall see." 6 And he tarried all night. 7 And he Knew. 8 And he said unto her, "Silver and gold I have none, for all that I had I have given unto thee." 9 And she said unto him, "Siver and gold have I none like-wise, and all that I had I have given to thee, Get thee to an Apothecary less worse befall thee." 10 And he went exceedingly sad, saying "Woulds't that I like St.Peter had toiled all night, and caught nothing." **************************************************** A PRAYER OH mighty Bee Pee, who out of they bountiful goodness hath divided the earth into clean and dirty oil, and hath compassed the sea about with pipelines, routes,and shuttles until day and night come to an end. Let not thy servants strive in vain against thine enemies, Because the Doxford, the Devil and Amplidyne go about like roaring lions, seeking to those that they may devour amongst them that remain steadfast in thy contracts. But make the turbine thy chariot, Ride always on the crossheads of thy diesels, that we surely trusting in thy defence, may not fear the loss of any vacuum, nor the all consuming fire of scavengers. All we beg for our sakes. BENEDICTION The peace of Britannic House which passeth all understanding preserve thy minds in lethergy, thy soul in coma, and thy bodies in inertia, henceforth, and for ever more. " AMEN " ****************************************************************** |
A more serious example of sailors ' wit The Sailors version of the 23 rd Psalm "The Lord is my Pilot; I shall not drift, He lighteth me across dark waters, He steereth me in the deep channels, He keepeth my log, He guideth me by the Star of Holiness for His names sake; Yea, though I sail amid thunder and tempest of life, I shall dread no danger, for Thou art with me, Thy love, and Thy care, they shelter me, In the HoAmeland of Eternity Thou hast annointed the waves with oil My ship rideth calmly. Surely sunlight and starlight shall favour me in the voyage I take And I will rest In th port of my God forever." by J.Woodie Hamilton U.S.Navy written in 1944 |
CHANT Bee Pee clean our tanks within us RESPONSE And take all our Premium spirit from us. HYMN The pumps that once were crowned by Shell Are crowned by B.P. now. And British this, and British that. Adorn the tankers bow. Where bottom ends danced cheerfully Without unpleasant sound, The turbines raise their Banshee's wail And Bailey Boards abound. But bless our strapped and welded hulls And bless our Eye Hyes too, Bless our Alfloc, Bless our Feed We do it all for you. |
Abdul Abulbul Amir The sons of the Prophet are brave men and bold and quite unaccustomed to fear but the bravest by far in the ranks of the Shah, was Abdul Abulbul Amir If you wanted a man to encourage the van or harass the foe from the rear storm fort or redoubt, you had only to shout for Abdul Abulbul Amir Now the heroes were plenty and well known to fame in the troops that were led by the Czar and the bravest of these was a man by the name of Ivan Skavinsky Skavar One day this bold Russian, he shouldered his gun and donned his most truculent sneer Downtown he did go where he trod on the toe of Abdul Abulbul Amir "Young man" quoth Abdul "has life grown so dull that you're anxious to end your career? vile infidel know, you have trod on toe of Abdul Abulbul Amir". "So take your last look at the sunshine and brook and send your regrets to the Czar For by this I imply, you are going to die, Count Ivan Skavinsky Skavar". Then this bold Mameluke drew his Trusty skibouk saying "Allah! Il Allah! Allah!" and with murderous intent he ferociously went for Ivan Skavinsky Skava |
This famous singalong song was written in 1877 by William Percy French for a concert
in Trinity College. On London & Overseas Tankers this song was a party piece in which we all participated and enjoyed with a few beers late into the evening. |
They parried and thrust, they side stepped and cussed, of blood they spilled a great part; the philologist blokes who seldom crack jokes, say that hash was first make on the spot They fought all that night 'neath the pale yellow moon; the din it was heard from afar and huge multitudes came so great was the fame of Abdul and Ivan Skavar As Abdul's long knife was extracting the life in fact he was shouting Huzzah! he felt himself struck by that wily kalmuck, Count Ivan Skavinsky Skavar The Sultan drove by in his red breasted fly, expecting the victor to cheer but he only drew nigh to hear the last sigh of Abdul Abulbul Amir There's a tomb rises up where the Blue Danube rolls and graved there in characters clear is "Stranger when passing, oh pray for the soul of Abdul Abulbul Amir". A splash in the Black Sea one dark moonless night caused ripples to spread wide and far it was made by a sack fitting close to the back of Ivan Skavinsky Skavar A Muscovite maiden her lone vigil keeps 'neath the light of the cold northern star and the name she murmurs in vain as she weeps is Ivan Skavinsky Skavar Peter Gardiner London E2 In Daily Mail 27/01/01 |
 |
Carriage Of Goods by Sea Shipowner's Liability It is much regretted That your goods are slightly wetted But our lack of liability is plain For our latest Bill of Lading Which is proof against evading Bears exception for sea water, rust and rain, Also sweat, contamination, Fire and all depreciation, That we've every seen or heard of in ship. On due examination, Which we made at destination, Shows your cargo much improved of, by the trip. Furthermore the protest shows, That the Master blew his nose, And the hatches were demolished by a gale, For we'll all stick together, To prove it's heavy weather, There's been a hurricane and typhoon, snow and hail. So reserving all defences, Alibis and false pretences, We suggest it is your Underwriter man Who's the guy that's out of luck, For we always pass the buck, |
An ode to a tanker They say go to sea And see the world Such is the case, maybe But I went to sea in a tanker And all I saw was the sea You went on watch when you joined her And on watch you are forever more In port twenty four hours is your longest stay So you never get ashore Forty five days from port to port With never a break between If you call that seeing the world You can see it from Fiddlers Green Banias, Tripoli and Sidon Historical places may be Drop both anchors and moor stern on Four miles out in the sea Then you go to a place, called Mena Where you even get sand in your tea A mad rush round to load cargo And you are glad to get back to sea They give you and East of Suez bonus The reason you I must tell If you get out there in the monsoon You'd be far cooler in hell |
Bound for Lands End for orders You wonder where it will be A hundred miles from nowhere So, you are far better off at sea And even if it's a home port They hat the sight of you there For they send a man down to harass you To get you to H…. out of here Whether discharging or loading You are just about a wreck You hear a bang, a hissing of steam And make a mad rush out on deck The oil is gushing out through the plug Just like pan on the boil The Third Mate standing close by shouting "Look Second Mate I've struck oil" The Third Mate is cuckoo but harmless they say At least he hasn't tried to bite us But all tanker men go the same way The disease is called tankeritis! Now you go home on leave for a rest And you think you have swallowed the anchor But don't kid yourselves chums for the time has to come To go back to the mad rush of the tanker They say go to sea and see the world But what has it done for me I wish I had stayed at home on the farm Instead of going to sea |
"""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""" |
Albert and the Lion was the party piece of Chief Officer C.E.D. BRIERLY which he delivered in the manner of STANLEY HOLLOWAY. ALBERT AND THE LION There's a famous seaside place called Blackpool That's noted for fresh air and fun And Mr. and Mrs. Ramsbottom Went there with Albert their son. A grand little lad was young Albert All dressed in his best; quite the swell With a stick with an 'orses ' ead on The finest that Woolworth could sell. They did'nt think much of the ocean The waves were fidding and small There was no wrecks and nobody drownded In fact, nothing to laugh at at all. So,seeking for further amusement They paid and went into the zoo, Where they'd lions and tigers and camels And old ale and sandwiches too. There was one great big lion called Wallace His nose was all covered in scars He lay in a somulent posture With his head on the side of the bars Now Albert had heard about lions How they were ferocious and wild To see Wallace . laying so peaceful Well, it did'nt seem right to the child. So straightaway the brave little feller Not showing a morsal of fear Took his stick with the 'orses 'ead 'andle And pushed it in Wallace's ear. You could see the lion did'nt like it For, giving a kind of a roll, He pulled Albert inside the cage with him And swallowed the little lad whole. Then Pa, who had seen the occurance And did n't know what to do next Said: Mother! Yon lion's ate Albert And Mother said " Well I am Vexed ! " |
Yes we always duck the issue if we can, 'Tis a cause of grief sincere, And we almost weep to hear, You are claiming for your cargo wet with rain. It really is a crime, But you're only wasting time, For our Bill of Lading clauses make it plain, That from ullage, spill and seepage, Water, sweat or just plain leakage, Act of God, restraint of Princes, theft or war. Loss and damage or detention, Lock-out, stroke or circumvention, Blockage, interdict or lost 'twixt ship and shore, Quarantine or heavy weather, Fog and rain or both together, We're protected from all these and many more. And it's very plain to see, That our liability, As regards your claim is absolutely nil. So try your Underwriter, He's a friendly sort of blighter, And is pretty sure to grin and foot the bill. |
===========000000000000000=========== |
Then Mr. and Mrs. Ramsbottom - Quite rightly when all is said and done Complained to the animal keeper That the lion had eaten their son. The keeper was quite nice about it He said what a nasty mishap 'Are you sure that it's your boy he's eaten ? Pa said "Am I sure ? There's his cap ! " The manager had to be sent for. He came and said " What's to do ? " Pa said "Yon lion's ate Albert " And after we've paid to come in. The manager wanted no trouble He took out his purse right away. Saying: " How much to settle the matter ?" Pa said " What do you usually pay" But Mother turned a bit awkward When she thought where Albert had gone She said:" No ! Someone 's got to be summonsed" So that was decided upon. Then off they went to the police station In front of the magistrate chap; They told 'im what had happened to Albert And proved it by showing his cap. The magistrate gave his opinion That no one was really to blame And said he hoped that the Ramsbottoms Would have further sons to their name. At that mother got properly blazing and "Thank you, Sir,kindly " she said "What , waste all our time raising children To feed ruddy lion's ? Not Me." ++++++0000000000++++++ The above was written by Marriot Edger and Wolseley Charles in 1932 being published by Francis Day and Hunter |
|